I'm dizzy.

This has been a really uncomfortable (but amazing) week.  I thought I was completely prepared to come here and deal with the ambiguity of not really knowing where I’d end up after the CELTA, but you can’t ever completely prepare for that, can you?  Whether I meant for them to or not, images formed in my mind about the places I might want to end up, the schools I might want to work in, the people I’d like to be close to.  But because I placed priority on good schools, on my roots, and on what I really wanted, I let go of all of that and branched out.  I stretched my hands out to people and places I wasn’t thinking about last week.  I decided to decide when the time came that I had to.  I haven’t been able to get the butterflies out of my stomach since (and my pants are already getting quite a bit too big for me.  If I keep this up, I’ll be swimming in them by next week).  Despite the discomfort (or maybe even because of it), I’m really feeling a part of the world again.  I’m not just forming images in my head of what my life should be, or will be, or could be.

So because of all of this, I’ve been thinking about two kinds of people: those who reach out, and those who don’t.  I always used to think of myself as one of those who does reach out, but for the last five years or so,  I’ve mostly been among those who don’t. I placed far too much stock in the necessity of seeming like I was strong, or cool, or any of a million other things that I couldn’t possibly have seemed like, walking around swathed in the emotional equivalent of bubble wrap. (And if any of that was cool, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to be cool.)   I’ve known this for quite a while, and I’ve wanted to open myself up, but I’d been stumped about how exactly to go about fixing it.  It just seemed like trying to teach myself to breathe underwater. 

Well, maybe it’s the culture here, maybe it’s got something to do with getting away from home and all the expectations about who I am there, or who I have been,  maybe it’s because I need help from other people here, or maybe it’s just the right time, but now I’ve gone back to reaching, without even really thinking about it.  And because of it, I’m making friends, learning amazing new things from them, and noticing things I never would have seen on my own.  I’m interviewing for jobs in places I never thought I’d live (happily!), having legitimately interesting conversations during these interviews instead of just posing and cringing inside.  I’m opening myself up to the honesty of really, really wanting something. 

I feel like myself again.

*

Breathe, Eat (kind of), Lesson Plan, Teach, Sleep (kind of), Repeat.

I've only really got time for a quick one today.  This month is going to be a little bit ridiculous.  I'm really enjoying myself, but this class is really going to be very difficult and time-consuming.  I even feel a bit guilty that I'm writing this now, when I've got a lesson plan to finish before tomorrow at noon or so.  I "taught" a section yesterday, but it only involved playing a funny game.  Tomorrow I teach my first real lesson.  It will be observed by other CELTA students as well as one of our instructors.  That is not to mention the 12 eager Polish students who want to learn from a native speaker of English.  They're very nice (as all Poles seem to be) and very clever.  But it's intimidating all the same.

While teaching my lesson, I'm supposed to be thinking constantly about making sure my instructions are understood, getting a particular concept across, keeping the students engaged, filling the time allotted to me for teaching, being approachable and creating a good classroom rapport, etc. I will never underestimate a good teacher again.  It takes a lot of hard work, not to mention natural talent.  And while everyone else is merely worried about passing, I've got to worry about doing well enough to get very good recommendations, or a high grade (better yet, both!), so that I can convince a good school that it would be worthwhile for them to take the trouble of helping with the complicated work permit process so that I can stay.  I guess the only way to do it is to focus on the students though, isn't it?  If I think too much about the other stuff, I will certainly not be able to keep all of those balls in the air, and I will flop miserably.  I guess if I do that once, I just get back up, though.  As the tattoo on my arm always says, "If he has fallen, he fights on his knees."

PS The lovely Polish ladies who are taking the CELTA course as well have really taken us native speakers under their wings.  They have kept quite busy showing us around, helping us with language questions or problems, and pointing out traditional Polish food we ought to eat.  So three cheers for them!