What a difference a year makes! Last year on my birthday, I may have had a little bit of a hissy fit. I couldn’t face up to the fact that time was skipping by so quickly. And to be honest, right now I’m finding it pretty difficult to believe that yet another year has gone by. But today I’m not too fussed, because it’s been a year well spent. That’s made all the difference in the world. I guess I realize now that it wasn’t the fact that I was getting older that was bothering me last year, it was the fear of waking up one morning and being 80, and having no idea what happened to all of that time. It was the dread of feeling like one or two bad decisions I’d already made could have somehow fucked up the whole rest of my life and that I might never feel the same enthusiasm about tomorrow again, much less about today. Obviously, it all seems a bit silly and melodramatic now, but when you’re nose-deep in shit, it’s hard to see anything else.
I get what I was doing wrong before, too. Besides, obviously, taking myself way too seriously. I was trying on everyone else’s life for size, and then failing to understand why it didn’t fit. I got the sweetest birthday card in the mail from my mom the other day. In it, she told me how brave she thinks I am because I “just jump into things that intimidate most of us.” Well, thanks Mom, but I’m not sure I deserve that kind of credit. I don’t know if I’m really brave, or if I’m just afraid of totally different things than other people I know. For instance, a lot of people I know dream of someday buying a home. I’m not sure I ever want to do that. Taking out 30-40 years worth of loans for the dubious privilege of always having the same place to go back to is not a comforting ideal to me. It’s a bit terrifying, honestly. I’m not sure I ever want to get married, either. Yeah, sometimes I get a bit lonely, and maybe, if I’m with the right person at the right time, I’ll make that decision. But the right person and the right time have not come together yet, so why should I ever use that as a measuring stick for how my life has turned out so far? As a general concept, “marriage” has nothing to do with any particular person, place, or lifestyle. It’s a decision that yields totally different results for everyone who has ever made it. How can I know if I want that?
So, no. I’m not afraid of not getting married. I’m not afraid of living in foreign countries, or of starting over dozens of times. I’m afraid of taking my whole life so seriously that I spend all of my time worried about what I could have done differently, of being so afraid of making the “wrong” decision that I never really make any. I’m afraid of forgetting to look around, forgetting to laugh. Above all, I’m afraid of living a life that is guided by someone else’s values instead of my own. This year has not been easy. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am now. Hell, today I worked pretty hard – I went to work at 11 and didn’t get home until after 9. I didn’t take a lunch or a break. I worked. But even though I didn’t love every single second of today, or this year, God, have I loved it as a whole! And if I can periodically check in and say the same thing about each year of my life, I don’t think I’ll ever let another birthday bother me again. Not even my 80th.
